The Turnip. Chronicling the crushing reality of middle age.
Welcome to ‘The Turnip’, Britain’s Greatest Vegeta…I mean Broadsheet.
Why The Turnip? Well, ‘The Bunion’ or ‘Private Why?’ were obviously genius, but a bit close to the nose. A bit ‘cease and desist-y’. So we just went for another boring vegetable. A vegetable that is found deep, deep down in the cold, damp unyielding British soil. Which is exactly where you will find our journalism.
Founded in 1884 by a moderately annoyed man in a damp tavern, The Turnip has stood for over a century as a pillar of British public life. While other publications chase fleeting global conflicts and geopolitical shifts, we remain steadfastly dedicated to what truly matters: local disputes, the correct way to queue, and the enduring tragedy of middle age.
Our mission is simple: to report life’s daily battles, no matter how lukewarm, disappointing, or entirely avoidable they may be.
We do not flinch in the face of adversity, whether that’s a 4p rise in the price of a Freddo or a pint of bitter crossing the £6 threshold (see Food and Drink section).
The Turnip is fiercely independent. We are not beholden to billionaire proprietors (although the wife would like one of those) or political parties. Our only obligation is to the bleak, unyielding reality that things are probably going to get slightly worse, and it will likely rain later.
The Turnip is currently edited by Tom, a man in his mid 40’s battling against his receding timeline AND hairline, whose X profile describes him as ‘likes newspapers, generally happy’. He must have written that 20 years ago. The photo below of him is at least 5 years old - that’s him on the far right, in case you weren’t sure. ‘Far right’ also seems an appropriate term…
Also, meet Ripley, our liberal woke canine sub-editor! She's lovely 😍.
Tom took on this job in tribute to his late Grandad, an Actual Proper Editor of Yorkshire local newspaper ‘The Gazette and Herald’. I’m sure he’ll be proud…
You can find out more about Tom and his meandering middle-aged mind in the Editorial section.
So, what are you waiting for! Subscribe today and never miss a headline. If you’re of a certain age, I'm sure a few will resonate.
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Contact us at theturnipmediagroup@gmail.com.
